your parents love me but you hate me
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need to calm my uterus...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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