Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He better not be in your backpack
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
