There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
