Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
