I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
