Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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