Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
