omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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