Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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