I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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