I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
