Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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