we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
