FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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