guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
