I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
