you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
