So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
