She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize