there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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