I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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