I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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