My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
