Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
