Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize