ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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