how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize