You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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