I met the friendliest cop last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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