Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize