While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
