Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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