tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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