Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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