chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
