well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i think my cat just said my name.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
