How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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