wanna go halves on a baby?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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