Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
nutella sex= disaster
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Randomize
