My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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