I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
