I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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