i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
