I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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