While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He called his prostate his "boner button".
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
