and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
