cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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