i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
