I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
