FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
