apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
