K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
