when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i already hear my dad disowning me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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