While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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