As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
