I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
