Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
