I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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