we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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