I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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