For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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